There are many things we know can be poisonous in the military. Toxic leaders. Toxic mold in housing. Toxic family readiness group drama. But the one extremely prevalent poison that slips under the radar is Toxic Positivity. Toxic Positivity is quite simply a well meaning but poisonous oversimplification of the kind of genuine positivity which makes people resilient: it is forced positivity that leaves no room for acknowledging negative emotions. It also usually confuses happiness with gratitude or contentment.
This time of year especially sets my teeth on edge watching toxic positivity invade honest conversations. It is the time of year that soldiers who are slated to move this cycle examine their job options and families are researching potential future homes. Some will soon be elated, others devastated, many calmly accepting what they cannot change and knowing they will find positives wherever they head even if they are not overly enthused. We are pretty excited about our prospects this time, but my heart is with those who are stressed or disappointed, we have been there too. It is the time of year people have online discussions to ask questions and communally weigh pros and cons of different posts, and some people vent about how terrible a post was, or express worry their anticipated next post poses a lot of challenges. And without fail someone always pulls out this gem: “It is what you make of it”.
At the surface, it is of course true, that attitude shapes a lot of how we feel and whether we can thrive in suboptimal circumstances, especially ones not of our own choosing. Even within circumstances beyond our control we can control how we react, and can often find ways to cope better with or circumvent the problems we can’t fix. A negative attitude certainly won’t make it easier–as they say, if life gives you a cactus you don’t have to sit on it. Do you ever stop to think though, whether someone who is struggling is ready to be reminded to make lemonade? Underneath the surface, Toxic Positivity is damaging and its bromides inherently pressure people to focus on positives at the expense of being authentic and honest about their feelings. The aphorism “It is what you make of it” implies if you are miserable that it’s because of your attitude. It makes people who are struggling feel worse, because not only are they struggling, they’re hearing it’s their own fault. Even “embrace the suck” is better, because it validates that it sucks! You hear these positive attitude comments enough and you may start to think: these people claim their contagious positivity just makes their whole happy family content with a tough situation, why can’t I get it together? By that standard, to be a good Army Wife you need to put a social media filter on your feelings not just for others, but even for yourself. That is where the pressure begins to build to explosive levels, because suppressed negative emotions grow. That is where depression and anxiety spiral into deep abysses of isolation.
We need our negative emotions, they have value too (see 4th link below). We need to acknowledge when a situation sucks. We need to take the feedback our fear, loneliness, anxiety, numbness, boredom, anger, and other emotions give us about our lives. When we reflect on negative feelings we can see what isn’t working so that we can grow, adapting ourselves and our environment to find more peace. And sometimes simply acknowledging it isn’t working despite best efforts and accept that without guilt. We can be grateful in all circumstances, including suffering. Gratitude, or peace, or hunting the good–whatever you choose to call it–has to coexist with, not replace, emotional honesty.
Even for those of us who lean heavily on faith, and trust in God’s plan to prosper us and not to harm us, we can at moments beat our breasts in anger telling God we don’t understand the plan, we don’t like how it feels right now, we can’t see the promised land, we can sob in sadness or grief to Him. He can take our honesty. He already knows what is in our hearts, He wants us to be genuine with Him. If we are honest with God and with ourselves, we can cope, we can adapt, we can thrive or make radical changes. Sometimes that is what God calls us to: to pull up stakes and move off rocky soil to fertile ground He has prepared. Sometimes, the answer IS to pack up the kids and move home to your parents mid-deployment, to be surrounded by your oldest, deepest roots rather than struggling daily to make the most of where the Army sent you . Other times, God walks with us through hardship, not taking away our pain but lightening it with companionship and revealing to us the purpose in the pain, showing us glimpses of the promised land to keep us going.
Can you think back to a time you needed to vent, and the person you confided in was only interested in fixing your problem or your attitude? Can you remember how you felt after that interaction? They were certainly trying to help, but saying the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. In your attempts to encourage, please do not be a stumbling block to your fellow travelers on this sometimes bumpy road of military life. When they are struggling, do not tell them to bloom where they are planted, or that any situation will be “what you make of it” as if positivity can overwhelm any challenge. It typically makes people feel worse, and science backs this up (see 3rd link below). If you truly want to encourage, validate their experience: “Yeah, that sounds awful and I’m so sorry you’re going through it”. Ask what they need from you. They may need advice, they may want to vent, they may need concrete literal help. You may sense, and be 100% right, that focusing on the positives would benefit them. Asking if they see anything redeeming about the situation is a better place to start than dropping a positivity platitude. Bonus points if you can offer dark humor. A favorite of mine is: “If you have to walk through hell, walk like you own the place.”
A commitment to gratitude, or a daily practice of hunting the good can be life changing—even life saving. But cliches about silver linings won’t often convince a person who is down. Even those who practice a genuine positive outlook might need a break for a moment to just sit with negative emotions, and to have those emotions validated. Be thoughtful how you offer encouragement to others, and ask yourself whether you are encouraging a culture of authentic, life-giving gratitude, or toxic, superficial positivity.
More on Toxic Positivity and the value of negative emotions (in order from simple to complex level of discussion)
https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Living/positivity-toxic-positive-harmful-helping/story?id=66117525
https://www.newsweek.com/2016/09/23/positive-thinking-myth-498447.html
Click to access Nesse-BenefitsBadFeelings.pdf
armylife•diywife 